This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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