the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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