you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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