dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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