My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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