im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
