I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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