There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
