I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
