fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
