don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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