i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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