I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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