apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
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Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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