Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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