i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
