I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
