Im at strip club and am horny
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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