Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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