Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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