so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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