The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
