I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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