did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
