I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he puts the penis in happiness.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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