i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
