when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
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Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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