WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
