i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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