Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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