I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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