would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
