Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
