I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
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I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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