last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
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