I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize