P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
