saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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