peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
