I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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