In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
As shirtless as possible
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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