I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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