he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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