Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
