Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm too high and old for this...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
