I am in a vortex of obligation.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
