I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
there's paper in my vomit.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
my shit smells like andre
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I love you.
Bad choice
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
