The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
