my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
