Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Did I show you my penis last night?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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