In the future we'll all be gay
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
