hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
