I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
