I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
