So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
