Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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