I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
