I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
