My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
