I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
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I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
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I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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